I remember..

 

I remember days when I would sit alone and cry. 

Sit and just wish just an ounce of me would change, be different. 

I never knew it was me stopping me. 

But even now as I am older, I still find myself in the way...In my way. 

You'd think with this newfound life that I would take advantage

Live it to the fullest. 

But I am finding that as grateful as I am to be here 

I am seriously alone. 

I thought that it was cool to be here in this place 

But I know it's getting to me 

I haven't cried in a while

I am making me shut up. 

Because what will the tears do? 

A question I know the answer to...

I have been here a year and feel exhausted

Though I sleep and eat 

Tired. 

Feeling always a beat behind

 Nervous about will I ? 

Graduate? 

Lose the weight?

Get to a place where I stop doubting?

NO.... 

But although the thought of going back to that dark place is tempting- it almost feels comforting

I know I can't go back 

I know there's no comfort there

It is immense 

It is sadness 

It is a hopeless place

way back in the recesses of my mind 

A place I thought long gone 

But it's here again

And the road is clear to it 

no obstructions 

We can curl up and stop Everything 

Stop trying

Stop Everything

But even as tempting as it is to stop 

I can not. So I will go

Reluctantly 

but I will still go 

The other direction...

Praying for you and me to get to a place that is bigger than passing classes and penny-pinching. If this is the entrance to the "bottom" I am scared to see what the actual bottom is. God forbid!