The vicious cycle

 So lets start with what happened this past weekend. I was trying to get all the work done that I needed to and I was LOCKED IN on what I had to do. I started the day off debating whether or not to go to my other two classes on Monday and eventually convinced myself that I needed ALL my points for attendance, that could help boost my grade. So, I did go to my classes, I sat down, and I got to work on some of the book problems that I needed to do. I ended up doing only a few and I also rewatched some of the lecture videos and did some practice problems. 

I STILL FAILED.

So, in my knee jerk reaction, I ordered Taco Bell on Door dash. I want to mention what happened here because I want to be transparent. I ordered way too much food. 3 Doritos locos tacos, a beefy 5 layer burrito and a chicken quesadilla. When it was on the way to me, I heard God say,

"Cancel the Order."

that was it, nothing more or less, just that. But my flesh was ripping into me. I knew that I could just go outside for a walk, write a blog post, pray, call a friend...IE. Call on Jesus... But I ended up tormenting myself. I felt like a kid. I wanted what I wanted, and that was it! I wanted to feel better about failing my class, and I wanted to chew on something so bad! I started rocking back and forth like a crazy person. Then I get a text saying that the order was left on my doorstep. So now we are out of the context of cancelling the order. So what did I do?

I brought that food in and I sat at the table and looked at it. As I began to tear into bag I stopped once more. And heard God say, 
"Throw it out." 

I paused for a second and closed my eyes. 

I ate all of the food in what seemed like seconds. The high that I thought I was getting ended up being so short lived. I went right back into the same feelings after eating, but this time I felt the guilt of not listening to God when he spoke to me. He wasn't just saying that to say it. He was trying to save me from the gallbladder pain that would ensue 30 minutes later. No medicine near me, no family near me, and stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. 

The next day, I hopped back on. And now we are here on Wednesday still going. Usually when I eat like that, I fall into a bend. I keep eating, till I get sick. until I sleep and try to forget about everything. But nope, here we are and I still am going strong. I am spotting a little, so that means my friend is back. Which is usually a good sign. I am on the right track, I just need Gods help in me continuing the good work in me. 

I have to listen and obey God. I heard him say no, but I kept going. I am still so immature in some areas of my faith. I really trust food more than God. How blasphemous of me to trust unliving things more than him. God forgive me. I need to change this view, but I don't know how. I know that eating this way has caused me so much pain, and yet I still love to eat the same kinds of food that I know can kill me if I keep going the way that I am going. 

Help me lord.  I am reminded of this video that I saw a while ago..I needed to see it again to serve as a reminder. 

https://youtu.be/HUngLgGRJpo