The day the food stood still

 So I had a rough off say yesterday. 

I am not saying this as an excuse, but yesterday was the Fourth of July. My first one without family there. I was on day two of eating well and I was feeling GREAT. But the thing about off days is that you have the day off. And off days for addicts lead to OFF DAYS.. If you know what I mean. 

Addicts need routine. They have to be able to stick to a schedule because downtime is dangerous. Downtime makes you feel like you can relax. And when you relax, then the temptation creeps in. So not having a routine and not sticking to a routine no matter what was happening is the hard part of decision-making because you are looking at everyone else and the "fun" they appear to be having and sometimes you sit and wonder maybe I can do the things that they can have. 

Then we fall. 

and usually, it feels as if a hard HARD FALL. 

But when I woke up this morning, I fell again. And I  felt no way about it. I was cool with it. Because I knew that I was going to do it. I knew I was going to fall into not only eating habits but also sexual sin as well. And just as any self-fulfilling prophecy, it fell into it, with a bit of joy. What happens when your joy is connected to sin. What if this is the only part of my day that I get any satisfaction from? This is why it is so hard to let go of this sin because it is the highlight of the day. What will be the highlight of the day when I give it up. I managed to stave off my temptations for a few days, but then the old, "I'm tired of trying to fight this off, even flee from it "

I felt like Spongebob when he said 

I know this is me making light of a serious spiritual issue. I need to let it go, and when I feel that I am a step closer, it ends up being harder than that. I rely on my own strength. And it is crazy what the sin-deprived mind will come up with. I need to get back to my studies, actually STUDY, and not play around like I normally do.