Some realizations this week

 I am not very happy about how things are going in life...Not at all. However, this is a good time to share some things that have been on my mind for the last day or so. 

Addiction is a neurological thing. There is a biological reason why people who want to eat..EAT. '

There is a neurotransmitter AKA signal that is released from our neurons that also can trigger the release of hormones. These are hormones that want us to feel good. Humans seek to be rewarded, even in our bodies. This can be very dangerous. Serotonin.  This is the feel-good hormone that says, "YES, THIS FEELS GREAT!" when we are eating. The issue is that this hit of serotonin can be addicting and cause pleasure-seeking behavior. Other issues that I have had a problem with are understanding when I am hungry and when I am actually full. These sensations are something that I am not in tune with. I know that my stomach growling can be an indicator of hunger, but ultimately, I can have just eaten and my stomach will start growling on me...Also when I am full. 

I know that should be the uncomfortable feeling that says, "Your stomach is full..You can stop eating now.." But I disregard that feeling and tell myself that I can keep on going and this is also dangerous, especially if I just got a hit of serotonin and I don't want to stop. 

These are areas of my weight that I had never talked about, thought about, or even tried to understand. But this is how the human body works. And because this is an issue that many people especially in America, have overcome, I know that I can as well. When we talk about the reasons why people eat the way that they do, there are so many components. My mother doesn't cook healthy meals. On-the-go, quick, and move-on types of meals.Fast food. It wasn't always like that. There was a time when we would sit down every night and have dinner together. A Full meal with vegetables, protein, and fats. Granted, some of it was unhealthy. But my mom would make us eat the vegetables too. 

Somewhere along the lines my mother changed up on the meal plan and opted for quicker. Either way, this is not me blaming her. This is me looking back at the moment and saying to myself, "Why didn't I take my butt in the kitchen and ask Mom to teach me?" I don't know how to feed myself properly. I know from health class and from what my mother put in front of me. But for years, I thought that there was nothing really wrong with eating out. Of course, I was DEAD WRONG. And now I try to do different, but I can say that it is never too late to learn and invest in yourself. I am happy to try and learn how to feed myself nutritious, balanced meals, that won't spike my pleasure receptors. I have to be super careful about this. I need to almost be a warden and really make sure that this is going to stick for sure this time. We are doing the walking, we are doing the eating (day 2) and I for sure want to be free from the chains of food. Now masturbating, me and God are going to have to do some more talking, but right now I feel that I am beginning to understand what is happening on a biological level. I think that the next stop is finding out what is going on on a personal and spiritual level. I want to know, and as heartbreaking as that knowledge will be/...I have to do it. I was on Metformin and pricking myself in the finger at one point, in and out of the hospital for my gallbladder and blood pressure. I have to get it together, for real. 

No more hiding, just working and dealing with the repercussions of an addicted mind. I have to stay focused and be more available to really get off the food that I am currently on. Wingstop has had me in the meanest chokehold since I got here. I didn't even eat Wingstop like that before I got here. Panda Express was pretty bad, but they are not open right now, so we don't have to worry about that. It's DoorDashing that is from the pit of HELL. I come against that desire to purchase food on there and spend hundreds of dollars on that ANYMORE. I took it off of my phone and I am going to try and lock it out of my laptop. There is no family member that is going to check up on me to make sure that I am eating right, It really is up to me to do this for real and be serious. I want to come back for Thanksgiving looking GOODT. OKAY??! I want my mom to see me in her lifetime looking healthy. and having lost some weight. I don't want her to worry. I want to graduate in a beautiful white dress that accentuates my curves and take pictures that make me have to do a double take... I want to look in the mirror and see a better, loving me. It's time to stop torturing myself with food. It's time to grow up and do better. I will break this generational curse in Jesus' name Amen.