Changing Tides

 This has been a very challenging last few months to say the least. I know that I want more for myself. But I am not sure to what degree/level. Here I am, in my supposed last year of college and I feel that I am going to regret not GOING FOR IT. I know that I want to be a doctor, but I am sitting here debating on whether I should do the bare minimum and just do the major that I know will not bring me fulfillment, or the stability that I want for my life. I do feel disconnected. It's a weird feeling that I was in such a rush to leave home, now I am in a rush to get back? I need a reality check. Because what back home is waiting for me?  

A great job? NO.

A great man? NO. 

My own house, space to live in? NO. 

So why am I in a rush to go home? 

I am feeling like I am always late. I don't want to graduate by myself, so I sit here and I debate on graduating in 2024, and then what? Go back home to that small room upstairs to be tortured mentally, feeling that all the work I did landed me right back in the same spot? I have to think better for myself. Yes, I miss home. But I am here for a reason. To do things that I didn't think were possible. I am here to do something that I know is hard. BECOMING A DOCTOR IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY. But if I don't try then who knows the regret I will feel for not having tried for it. I know that I am in for a lot of school, a lot of debt, and a lot of time that will need to be put in. 

The truth is that I need to let go of what I think my timeline is. I should be putting in the effort for that, and that alone. I am not interested in finding the things that are EASY. I am tempted, but not INTERESTED. There is a difference. My flesh wants me to take the easy way out, but GOD IS CALLING ME TO MORE. 

I will have to work harder and devote more time to doing sciences and math. But I know that I can do this. Physics and Ochem scare the living daylights out of me. But I made it this far, I can do this too! 

So we are switching majors and getting the work done- meaning the labs and all the rest. God will go before me, matter of fact he already has.