Depress Them Dishes!

The depression that I went through these past few weeks has been incredible. I can't pinpoint where, or when it specifically happened. All I can say confidently is that I was eating so much that I felt that I was back at my parent's house, sneaking and eating to the point of sickness. There were times I ate so much that my body would force me to throw up. That is how I know that the body and the mind are two separate entities. Because my body was begging me to stop, but my mind would tell me that it was okay, and I just needed one more thing. Nights like that one scarred me because it was a reminder that the past is only as far away as yesterday. I could easily find myself in a place where I am wracked with pain, and needing medicine to fix symptoms to a bigger problem that medicine can't heal. 

But you know that the hospitals won't help. They will just pass you around and tell you to lose weight. Waiting in the ER for eight hours, just to be told that you have gallstones and your diet is the only thing that can help you. So what can a person do when their addiction is a direct reflection of their mental health? 

You get them in the same room, and you deal with them. Depress them dishes.

Because you have things to do. I know that writing down my feelings helps tremendously. And I try my best not to get into a place where I don't do anything. I know I need to get out more and stop cooping myself in the house. I obsess about the thought of how much work something is going to be, instead of just doing it. I have a default button that just says, "NO" to anything. Self-care is a no. Walking is a no. Talking to someone is a no. Having fun is a no. 

But I also remember a time when I unplugged that default button. And I said "YES" instead of "NO". 

Yes to life, yes to being happier and feeling the best that I know I can. Getting older I see that whatever happens in my life that I am unhappy or regret, it will be my fault. I will die either knowing I did my best, slcaked off, or nothing at all. 

Either way, we have to get up. Depress them dishes. Papers are due, finals are here and Chemistry won't react with itself to give me a better grade. So I must do my best! Because I want more than just this. There is more and I will get there. One day at a time.